Saying, “No” is hard.
I know this, you know this, everyone knows this.
What is more interesting is that everyone also knows that it stinks to say, “Yes” to something that you didn’t want to commit to.
Yet, we all find ourselves in this awkward position. Unable to say, “No”. Regretting saying, “Yes”.
This challenge often comes up because we downplay the benefits of saying, “No” when we want to, while overestimating the benefits of saying “Yes”.
Saying, “No” Has Helpful Consequences
More accurately, we fear the consequences of saying, “No” more than its benefits. Yet in a backward way, it is the consequences of saying, “No” that also serve as the benefits. And the benefits far outweigh the consequences.
For example, saying, “No” would most likely cause the person asking for your help to leave you alone for a while. In other situations, it might even cause them to decide to never bother you about that issue again.
This could be a colleague asking you to do their job for them, or a family member asking for a loan to do something which you aren’t sure about.
That person may not want to speak to you concerning that matter anymore. But, that too can be the benefit. By clearly refusing to get involved, you keep yourself ready and free to accept the things that you are thrilled to be a part of.
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Two harsh truths of life to remember are:
- You have limited resources – time, money, energy, attention, etc.
- Life moves on with or without you
Once you keep these things in mind, you realize that a lot of the pressure to give a “Yes” will be shed. This is part of setting boundaries.
Read this next: The Most Common Boundaries You Should Know and Set in Your Relationships
Look, seldom are people’s needs a life or death situation in which you are the only source of help they have. A lot of the time, it can be someone trying to:
- shed their own responsibilities
- get more for less
- serve some secondary whims
Even in situations where you are the only source of assistance they can get – for example, your kids – saying “Yes” all the time is still very unhealthy for your sanity and restrictive to their development.
As a guardian (In this example), it’s your duty to train them for the real world – and in the real world, you don’t always get what you “want.” There is a limit to how much you can ask of or from someone.
By choosing what to ignore, you ultimately decide what you are saying, “Yes” to
By actively choosing what to ignore – that is, by saying, “No” to the less important things – you ultimately chose the things you want to commit to.
Considering the fact that the quality of our lives ultimately boils down to the choices we make, saying, “No” becomes the single most effective means of optimizing those choices – hence, optimizing your life.
You simply say “No,” until what is absolutely necessary and worthy of your precious time is remaining – then you say, “Yes!”
In fact, by actively choosing to say, “No”, you end up training those around you to value your “Yeses” more.
You teach them to:
- curate their requests
- respect your boundaries
- optimize their own lives
4 Benefits of Living a Life Where You Aren’t Afraid of Saying, “No”
1. You’ll likely be happier.
Only the activities that you genuinely enjoy are left on your schedule.
2. You can be more focused and productive.
Seriously, a lot of people miss opportunities because they divide their attention amongst unproductive and unhelpful tasks.
For example, say you run an online business. You spend so much time beautifying your website but completely ignore the growing customer complaints. Or you try to convince an uninterested stranger on the internet about the quality of your services, but miss the pressing questions of the white-hot ready-to-buy client.
Don’t be like most people.
3. You can make a bigger impact.
Imagine that you’re a farmer, but instead of focusing on tending to your property, you decided to help the kids nearby catch butterflies. Do you think you would do much farming that day?
A knife gets sharper and can cut through thicker objects if it sheds some of its skin through sharpening. If you want to make an impact in whatever field you are in, saying, “No,” and remaining laser-focused on your own goals will help your results skyrocket.
4. You’ll gain respect. Or stop being taken advantage of as often.
When people see that you value your time, money, and energy, they’ll naturally learn to respect it as well. They tend to cease trying to distract you with every little thing, and only come to you when it is truly needed.
Ultimately, by saying, “No” often and intentionally, you get less of the things you don’t want, and more of the things you do want out of life.
Start Saying, “No”.
Many, many, many people who struggle with saying, “No” are either:
- having boundary issues
- struggling with their self-esteem
- lacking a sense of purpose
They may be people-pleasing because they are afraid of how people might react if they are denied.
Indeed, it is a Catch-22 situation. You feel bad if you say “No”, and horrible if you get stuck doing something you despise because you said “Yes”.
The way out of the conundrum is oftentimes reminding yourself that saying, “No” is actually good for you.
Editor’s note: This article was originally published Aug 5, 2021 and has been updated to improve reader experience.